Confidence

This word describing so much about a person. All gurus tell you – have this and your more than half-way on your journey to attraction. Most women tell you they love confident men. You see from experience confident guys tend to enjoy better quality of relationships and have overall better success with women.

A lot of gurus touch the topic with various programs, ways, advices. However the question still remains – is there a way that you can build confidence faster? Is there actual confidence building shortcut?

From my experience and from what I’ve seen – yes and no.

No, there isn’t any magic pill to boost your confidence into super hero mode. Some products may claim that and I have to disappoint you – it’s not exactly honest sale pitch.

… and yes – you can speed your process by building your confidence consciously.

Getting confident in something (which will improve your overall feeling) is a little bit complicated process. Fear not, here we break it down to three essential elements that you can work on.

1. Knowledge can get you confident. Let me give you an example. Let’s say you have an exam. I have no idea if you had heavy exam anxiety back in college (or university) but for the purpose – let’s say you have. There are so many topics and only few will happen to be on that exam. If you knew which topics would be drawn, you would be able to master them. This would certainly give you major boost on confidence and performance on that exam. Or – you know what will follow and how to respond to that situation. You can get knowledge from various sources and programs (check the review section here on right)

2. Competence gives you confidence. With experience in particular field – you begin feeling a lot more comfortable with the task. Let me give you an example with something most of you are very familiar with – driving. Remember your first parking attempt? Or making that maneuver while in motion? You was probably overwhelmed. Now you don’t even think about it – a little bit of your perception is taken on the driving while your mind is somewhere else. This is confidence given by experience. Experience you can get from … going outside and trying stuff out or going to bootcamps (check out my post here on competent confidence).

3. Inner beliefs factors your confidence. This is the most tough one. Something in your childhood might have happen that placed a boundary on particular skill of yours. Could be fear of disapproval, or getting embarrassed, rejected? This factor can be dealt by experience, but having another point of view or an exercise to target your subconscious mind can really help you here. This you can change by experiencing new things or old things new way and doing mental exercises that break the old habits. Again a lot of programs have similar inside.

Although those three are for sure not the only ways to build confidence, for me they have the most bigger impact when dealing with situations (including attraction and overall performance with women).

While on this topic – Carlos Xuma is giving away Free CDs on the topic of building confidence with women. While the cds are free, there is little shipping fee you’ll need to clear. Actually head here to learn more about this offer.

Disclaimer: Those are affiliate links which means that if you get a product I will most likely get a commission (actually I won’t get any for the free cd)

Do you remember one of your first crushes on a girl way back? Probably early in school or even before that? If this was a person you lost touch with for few years and then met again the chances are you were no longer that keen on her anymore. She might not be that fun, attractive, bright she was before. (Ok, she might be even more than before, but bear with me in this one).

I’ve had few such experiences in my life. Had a crush on particular girl, lost touch for few years, then we met again and it wasn’t the same at all. Back then I wasn’t thinking about that topic and the reasons. However recently the question “why” was knocking on my head.

Why is that certain women are no longer that attractive (in all aspects) to a person, but before there were … how they say it – “the sh*t”?

I’ll go on a little bit scientific point of view here:

With the growth of a person (intellectually, physically, emotionally and even spiritually) his needs also change. Those needs do cover his choice of women. So when you gain wisdom and experience in life – it is very normal for you to change your preferences in women. You might need someone more mature emotionally, more self dependant, or more passionate. Even more physically attractive (biological preferences begin kicking in … you know – babies).

That said, someone you knew before might not match your new criteria anymore. And the opposite – someone who you knew but never was in your scope of interest now might catch your attention.

Most people change with time, so it’s normal their needs to change, thus relationships end and start.

Usually if two people live together they grow with similar pace. However of one begins to stay back at some level (for any reason), while the other goes up – it’s very possible that they will no longer be happy together. The one that doesn’t want to grow (or can’t) will draw the other one back. He might also even thing that the growing one is losing his mind. At this point a relationship usually ends being beneficial, starts being a chore (and usually ends).

This whole thing went to my mind by observing people that I know and that they always end up attracting the same type of people. It was curious case for me and then I remembered this saying:

“If what you’re doing isn’t getting you the results you want, it’s time to change what you’re doing”.

Or in that context – the current growth (on all levels) on that person is attracting (and is attracted to) specific type. Unless the person grows (or makes some kind of change in his behavior) it’s unlikely to change the outcome.

I know this is not the only factor of preferences and success of the relationships between people, however it takes rather big role (and make sense).

Do you have similar experiences?

Falling in Love – this particular phenomena that happens all the time. While I’ll not focus on the technical details – here you can find more about it from various points of view.

http://health.howstuffworks.com/relationships/love/why-do-we-fall-in-love.htm

http://www.howtoarticlesabout.com/people-falling-in-love/

With this said I have to add something from me. Knowing it doesn’t make you resistant or immune.

I’ll share something a little more personal than usual. It happened three-four months ago where I happened to begin falling in … love. With the wrong person.

This is the exact moment where I got out of alignment. My emotions and my logic began separating themselves one from another. It’s really bizarre feeling. Not that it didn’t happen before. It was just now I was fully aware of it and yet somewhat powerless to it’s effects.

From one side logic was telling me – “Dude, you bot got completely different views of the near future, hook up deeply and you’re way off your plans” yet something else was telling “It doesn’t matter dude, just let yourself in!”. It’s like you’re losing sober thinking while…thinking.

As logical person this was completely changing my point of view (and reminded me past experiences). And I don’t like that. If I fall for the right person (according my views), this deviation might be a lot, lot smaller, thus won’t create this friction between logic and emotions.

Here comes the override mode – you want to do something very stupid (like calling few times a day, get wussy and clingy) and yet you hold yourself to it. It’s like opening a manual that is saying “If you want to do this, then DON’T!”. Masculinity down the drain.

Why the wrong person?

I gave you few hints. It’s someone that have rather different view of the world than myself. Mixing it would changed my point of view one way or another which ultimately may lead to me losing my passion. We all know this guy who was so cool and passionate about his things and then he fell for a girl. Later they begin living together and you couldn’t recognize the guy. His passions, his way of seeing the world, making an impact – all gone. He was turned into the average guy.

I don’t know about you but I don’t want that.

Having past experience and of course – knowledge I did the “saving” move. I cut my contacts with that person. It wasn’t that bad as I expected it to be. Slowly I regained my perspective back. “What was I thinking, duh!”.

This question however remains – Why did I fall in for someone that didn’t share my goals at all? Was it because of physical traits? Was it for the voice, the touch, the experiences? Something specific I didn’t had before? Who knows, maybe one day I’ll discover.

Hello mate,

Today we’ll discuss the routines many pick-up artists use. You’ve probably heard of it, you may even use some in your game.

Let’s start from the description of this in the pick-up community.

What is this thing called routine? It’s ready material, typically some sort of line, question and similar thing that when done right, conveys certain qualities in the person that makes it, starts a conversation in a desired way, gives specific hints to a woman and etc. Things of this kind.

One typical example of routine is the old question which a person can use to approach people – “Who lies more, men or women?”, with it’s sequence (almost no matter what they say) “Oh? Because a friend of mine thinks that men lie more but for more little things and women lie …” You get the idea. The conversation goes on.

Or – the cube game which is simple pseudo psychology test which uses symbolic meanings  (i.e. subconscious mind) to “profile the girl”. You ask her to imagine certain things and then she gives you details about these things. Using the details she is giving, you magically reads her traits. It’s pretty fun and fairly inaccurate game in my opinion. I mean most of the conclusions you can give are valid for 90% of the people out there if not even more.

Or this example – assigning roles to the girls in a group “Who is  the wealthiest of you? You? We’re setting the marriage for Monday! But…we need, who is the best cook here? Ok you’ll be our master chef!”.

A lot of gurus don’t like the routines – claim them as fake. I admit, I agree with them – routines may deliver one very strange feeling that gives “fakeness” to the other person. The problem with that is guys tend to learn those almost by heart. And then they shoot them whenever they enter a conversation, like a child told to recite something it leaned the other day. It’s like the person is there, but not there. A slight change in his style might be detected and this slight change isn’t feeling natural to the other person around.

This is one thing. Another is – if it all goes well and the conversation continues what happens when the guy runs out of prepared materials? Most likely drastic change of the dynamics and his style. This leaves very awkward feeling. Showing something and then delivering another different thing.

The word routine itself is something you do repeatedly, as a habit. Washing your teeth every morning is routine. Putting your belt every time you get in the car is routine. That is ok. That is helpful. Saying same stuff when speaking to different people limits your mind. So do this cautiously.

Routines however have one very good purpose – they can override some inner issues the person is having at that moment. They can start conversation while otherwise it might be difficult for that person. They can keep the attention of someone that otherwise might be difficult for that person and so on. Actually the first I started I used ready materials myself. Using such can have benefits. And in some cases it can “save” a conversation that might be going nowhere.

My advice on this is – if you’re going to use ready routines and lines – pick such that you feel natural to you and your style. Don’t go with something you might never say or do (unless you want to stress yourself on purpose). Then try it in front of  the mirror several times. Is it ok for you? Does your style changes much, like a sales person trying to sell you something? If it feels natural – then you can apply it.

And please don’t get hooked up on it. I had a time where I used routines to my friends. I mean I was so caught in this thing. This wasn’t good, especially in my case it wasn’t my style at all.

Actually the best  thing is that if you’re going to use them at all – check out some, and then make some of your own. They will fit you, they’ll be part of you and they will feel natural to you. Believe me, the difference is noticeable.

If you’ve read this far – I got one very, very good honest approach for you. Next time you feel awkward, run out of conversation, or feel something isn’t right – just share it with the other person (don’t get overboard mushy-mushy emo style, not attractive). For example you go to talk to a girl but suddenly as you approach your mind goes  blank and you say: “Hey, I just came to talk to you but… I forgot what was I about to say.” and you smile and then introduce yourself. Like it’s the most natural thing that can happen (and it is since every person feels this way once in a while).

The other person typically will react positively. There might be occasions where she can try to stomp you “Oh, peace off!” and you feel a little disappointed, then say it “Oh, you looked a lot more friendly initially”.

This honest approach gives the following vibes of you:

• you are a person that is pretty comfortable with his feelings. A mature person that knows himself well. You have no problem opening yourself to total strangers;
• you are honest person and honesty is very attractive quality for other mature people. Yes, little pain in the butt girls will find you “weak”. But that’s not the point.

As a “side benefit” you’ll learn also to be comfortable with your emotions (again, not some mushy-washy wussy way). This is tough at the start, especially if you’re more introverted person (like me). But once you manage to get a hold of it – a lot of conversations will feel a lot more light and fluent to you. They’ll feel natural.

You won’t need the ready materials that much (or at all). This inner strength you’ll begin developing will help your progress a lot more. Getting to much used to routines will get you stuck with the progress.

For me – expressing emotions became so much easier this way. A lot less holding of things that I otherwise suppressed in myself. For example I can say no without the fear of offending someone. Before I was too much concerned about offending someone or what he’ll think about me. In short – life became a lot more enjoyable and light.

And for finish let me quote for you David DeAngelo:

If you want a fake woman, them be a fake man. (Edit: David D knows that well, from experience perhaps)

This will be topic to another article. Think about it – a lot of wisdom in that one.

People are usually unaware of that big aspect – they criticize other people about things that they do as the same habit.

For example someone may tell you he hates people that lie for small things, while ~30 minutes later he might lie about something small completely unaware he just did it.

This is only one example. People tend to do that a lot!

Here the psychology comes with the projection theory, that what people don’t like that in themselves, they project it outside on others (Keep in mind its simplified concept, the whole projection topic is big). This only hides the habit that person criticizes is the very same he possesses. If you are staying and watching this as a third party, unbiased by the situation – you can get very unpleasant feeling of this person.

My advice is to try keep aware when you criticize something that you don’t do the same thing yourself. Some people might not pay attention to this, but usually positive and high quality people will spot it right on and won’t be impressed by it. By general rule people like honesty and this is far from it.

What you can do right now is think of some moments where you remember criticizing something or someone and think of do you possess such habit or trait? If so, maybe you should change your point of view and of course,  try to get rid of that habit. Not a rocket science here.

After reading very interesting post of Carlos Xuma on his blog I decided to share interesting concept with you.

Before we continue, check out his post, then come back.

Carlos Xuma blog post

If you play in the field of  those things listed there (or as he hints – between them) – you’re going to struggle. The rules are set and you must play by them. And by those rules you’ll lose. What’s the option?

I’m glad you asked!

Breaking the stereotype of course! You don’t have to play by their rules. You don’t have to play at all!

You see, certain beliefs are imprinted in our minds for so long, most of the time we don’t even see there are a lot more options available for our choosing.

For example there was a roleplaying game I was reading some time ago (I’m a geek, I don’t deny) and there was some very, very good description of  the rogue class. I’m paraphrasing here – “If you fight a duel vs a knight, you are playing on his terms.”

Genius! Of course a knight will want to fight on his terms because he is best at those. A Rogue will always chose the sneaky tactics because he is best at this. You see the point?

In life there are a lot of situations where others put you in their rules and expect you to play by them. And most of the time you don’t have to. Unless you want to. I’m not talking breaking the law or something like that. You’ll be surprised how many sets of rules and terms we have every day put by others in our lives. Just think about it and you will see be surprised the many you’ll begin to see.

You know, people usually want to build confidence like it’s something tangible. Almost like going in the grocery store and getting two buckets of it. If it only worked that way…

However it works another way that is pretty simple. When you get better with something, you feel more confident doing it! Even if sometimes you fail you’ll still feel that confidence in your ability and skills.

Many gurus talk about this, however Dave M took special attention on this in his Insider Internet Dating program.  The concept of competent confidence.

Generally it means you’ll build confidence with practice. Let’s get example outside of the area of dating.

Remember how you start using computer for first time? The strange messages that emerged on the screen? The little fear that you would mess something on the computer? Or an ‘evil virus’ would come and get your personal info? I bet now you sweep as no tomorrow, browsing, e-mailing, watching movies, putting comments on some blogs and so on. You don’t even think about it – it goes almost automatic!

Another more general example – learning how to drive a car. First it was a bit uncomfortable, you had to check the details consciously and after a while it was a whole new experience. You focused on a lot different things since the first don’t take you that much attention anymore.

I think you got the idea. No matter how much you read, watch, listen nothing will build confidence for you better than the practice, especially when you do that consciously.

My story is pretty funny (or maybe not so). I was thinking I know a lot about going out with girls just by

(drum rolls)

reading books

Yea, I know. It took me several experiences to have a whole new level of difference to the moment I feel a lot more confident than most of the girls. And it didn’t took that much time.

You can do this too!

A lot of times guys are frustrated because they can’t initiate the approach, the mood, the playful attitude and everything related. Also additional pressure is given by the fact few days ago the guys were in such great condition, their approaches went like crazy! And now they can’t even begin.

This is topic discussed many times over and over again by a lot of gurus. The emotional state a person is in have direct impact on his game. You can’t just stand up from the bed and hit by the book. Ok, you can if you are that good.

People often forgot they have to work in order to get that high energy and high emotional state, it won’t just come from nothing. High emotional state will help tremendously in all approaches and interactions. It affects the way a person say things, the way he looks, he stands, his manners and so on. Most of the time people around him are drawn into that state.

So going into this mode requires time and action. Ok, again if you are good you will need less time and less ‘manual’ action. Good tips to get your energy up before meeting someone are:

• play some music that make you want to dance, not that makes you think, not that makes you remember old memories, but to only make you move

• call some good buddy that you always have fun with for quick chat

• talk to people, just talk about anything with the taxi driver, with the shop personnel – even 2-3 words or sentence will make the difference, that first move into getting in momentum

• keep the conversations light and fun, going into deep topics and dilemmas won’t help you, you will head into different state

• watch fun movie on a video site

You got the idea. Going too high fast may fumble the attempt and will result in frustration. Asking the question “Why I can’t do it while I did it already yesterday” will only force the bad feeling further. This is something normal that people are not always aware of. It’s good to know it.

courage in a glass

Have you ever saw some guys that looked totally socially awkward and were obviously faking it to look cool, yet do nothing but just sit there. After taking rather big amount of drinks then they suddenly go to the other end of their behavior getting all pumped up in almost forced aggressive action.

I’ve seen it a lot and it’s not pretty picture. They are depending on big alcohol consumption to make any kind of approach and of course when they do finally make it, it’s the most ugly approach ever. They go very aggressive, groping the girl all over, speaking dirty, or sometimes they just comment rudely and all kinds of such actions. This ultimately is 98% failure of the approach, but since they are under the ‘spell of alcohol’ everything is dim and unclear, thus the negative outcome is more easily taken.

It’s very interesting. Most of those ‘fake courage’ guys are actually very quiet and sometimes even look descent…until they hit several shots and they totally turn around into jerks.

They are pretty confident and cocky with some low self esteem girls but sound retreat (or go aggressive defensive swearing) when meet the reckoning force of high esteem girl.

It seems almost like they stay locked all that time waiting for the moment of their release which leads into aggressive primal actions.

Actually after digging something in the topic (I just love this) there is a lot of sense in this kind of behavior.

Let’s look at the brain in very very simple way (medical guys will whip me). One of the part is the so called Reptilian brain – it’s just pure primal raw instinct. Includes mating drive, territory drive, survival drive and other similar stuff. This usually is the source of aggression of other ‘socially unproved’ actions. The ‘I’ll beat the weak and mate their female’ drive.

The next one is the Limbic system – which holds the emotions and the last one is the Neocortex, which is the part that separates humans from all rest of the species on Earth. It contains everything that society programs in us. Stuff like don’t steal, don’t be rude to people, don’t talk to strangers (feel the irony?).

Those parts are in connection witch each other all the time and also there are connections between which are normally inhibited.

Alcohol consumption with all other effects have the de-inhibitor effect which allows those connections to …well…connect. This ultimately leads into change in behavior in the person since the usual paths to reach certain drives are no longer blocked. The social barriers placed by society suddenly doesn’t matter that much and people do things they won’t normally say or go for. And people are very aware of that – they go for it, like it’s the path of happiness and being released.

That’s not a bad thing actually, yet it’s very fake way to achieve some sort of goal. Drinking just to have fun is absolutely ok in my vision, but drinking to get the courage to do something you otherwise won’t is not. It’s just making the usual barrier even more stronger and you even more depending on the substance. It’s like “Ok I feel stressed by this hot chick next to me, let me drink myself into mindless ooze and be rude to her so I can prove I am more than her” on subconscious level. Yeah, I’m pretty rough, just like the thoughts many avoid.

From one end we have a person that avoids eye contact with the girl and on the other we have a guy that goes aggressively to speak to the same girl and clumsily try to escalate physically. It’s obvious. Not to mention the problems a lot of this ‘released aggression’ may and often leads to.

I’ve had few occasions that had to negotiate or drag out a buddy out of his drunk-pseudo-rage because someone ‘talked to his girl’. Ugly scene.

I believe a person can reach his ‘other brains’ without the need of such substances. He can break the social barriers, break the stereotype and reach for that locked part in himself that was hidden for long time. He can truly feel free and comfortable in his own skin and skip that nasty hangover, not to mention he’ll no longer hold that socially suppressed aggression. It’s the inner game of a person, his real confidence and self worth.

So mate, drink responsible and don’t just do it for fake courage.

The potatoes price example

“The poor get poorer and the rich get richer.”

When I was little I believed in the existing of some sort of supernatural balance. I was convinced that for example a person can’t be both smart and good looking. That you can’t have all. People around me actually supported that concept. Another example – if someone have money, then he was doing something illegal. Very limiting mindset.

A lot of years later things seemed different. Again I saw balance, it just wasn’t supernatural. Again I saw you can’t have all, you just could have what you wanted. People just love to create excuses to make themselves feel justified. Don’t blame anyone, it’s just how the mind works.

Before getting really out of  topic -  Carlos Xuma by his newsletter reminded me one very good concept - the abundance and scarcity mindsets.

Basically it works like this – if you have PLENTY of something, that thing will have less value for you rather than if you had FEW or NONE of it. We’re talking of something of prime need. Let’s take food for example.

If you have plenty of food, a lot more that you can eat, you will put the rest of it aside because you won’t need food right now. If you had no food, you would starve thus you would looking to get more food.

Another story from economics (I remember this as real life example). Imagine a village which primary food source is from buying potatoes. Now imagine if they see in the news that the prices of potatoes will go up. They’ll stock the hell out of potatoes before the price rises.

So we can conclude, the less a person is having but needing the more desperate he will become to have.

The same is with women. The more you don’t have, the more you are in need. The more you have and the more you could have (i.e. able to attract) the less you are in need. And to bring that to a new level – the more you are in need – the more desperate you are. This hits your inner game. Your inner game hits your everything in the related topic which in this case is attracting women. If you are calm everything works like a charm – from martial arts to cooking, writing blog posts, to creating attraction with women.

When you are not wasting focus on something  that was an issue before, you now have more emotional energy available to focus elsewhere and pursuit your goals. This makes you even more happy and even more attractive to others.

Yet abundance mindset is only truly in effect when you have facts that confirm it or in our case – positive results. Even if you force the mindset that you live in abundance when you don’t, it will only go so far since there will be nothing to support it. So the basic concept here is – practice and again practice. And knowing how this concept and your mind works will help you.

Also another way to ‘close the gap’ is to really think of why do you need women? Because I’ve found out that many guys want women just to have, no deeper particular reason. When you ask the questions and are aware why you need them, this need will reduce in size.